A dad shared on reddit that his 14-year-old son—reserved, kind, and not being bullied—confessed through tears that he “doesn’t really have any friends.” People are nice enough, they chat in class, but nothing sticks. He feels like everyone’s “second choice,” and when Dad tried to revisit the topic later, the boy shut down: “Forget about it.” https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/1nxulzh/son_asked_me_if_i_had_friends/
Hundreds of parents (and a few teachers and formerly lonely teens) weighed in. Their perspectives fall into a few big buckets, with concrete ideas that can make the next months—not just the next conversation—go better.
1) First, see the kid before you try to “fix” it
Many parents admitted their first impulse was to solve the problem. The advice from folks who’ve been there: start with validation. A simple, “That sounds really hard and lonely. I’m really glad you told me,” does more than a dozen pep talks. You can move to ideas later, but the first step is removing the pressure and showing you can sit with the feeling.
Try this tonight
- “Thanks for trusting me with something painful.”
- “You’re not broken. Friendships change a lot at this age.”
- “We’ll make a plan together—no rush.”
2) The single clearest theme: help them find their tribe (usually outside regular classes)
Again and again, commenters said real friendships formed around something, not around the hallway. Activity-based groups give shy teens structure and repeated contact—two ingredients that make acquaintance → friend more likely.
High-yield places to look
- Clubs/teams at school: robotics, chess, debate, Model UN, theater, choir, art/NAHS, gaming/RPG, coding, e-sports, service/student council, track & field (easy entry).
- Community options: youth theater, music ensembles, Boys & Girls Club, Scouts, rec-center leagues, martial arts (Muay Thai and others came up), church/synagogue youth groups, hiking groups, anime/board-game nights, Magic: The Gathering or chess at a local shop, language clubs.
- Low-pressure jobs & volunteering: library shelver, animal shelter helper, concessions at games—built-in small talk with peers.
Insight: for many commenters, the friend circle that mattered wasn’t at their school at all. One or two solid out-of-school friends made the school day bearable.
Parent move: if your teen is introverted, be “gently forceful”—you handle the logistics (sign-ups, rides, first day walk-in), they handle showing up.
3) Normalize the awkward middle
A lot of teens (and adults) cycle through groups. What feels like “nobody wants me” can be a transition from old to new circles. Naming that ebb and flow loosens the shame.
Script:
“Lots of people feel like background characters in 9th or 10th grade. People are changing fast. This season won’t define your social life.”
4) Teach tiny social skills that compound
Several teachers and socially savvy folks emphasized skills that reserved kids can practice without changing who they are.
Micro-skills that work
- Start with shared context: “That quiz was brutal” / “Do you know when the lab is due?” (low-stakes openers).
- Bridge to common ground: “You’re into [game/artist]? Me too—what deck/album?”
- Make it easy to say yes: “Want to sit together at lunch today?” “Board-game club meets Thursday—want to check it out?”
- Listen > perform: ask a follow-up, mirror a detail, remember a name.
- Rejection literacy: expect some no’s; thank them anyway; try again tomorrow.
- Casual friends are real: you don’t need a BFF right away. “Second choice” is often just “new friend, not deep yet.”
Help your teen pick one of these to try daily, not all at once.
5) Build confidence through doing—together if needed
Parents found that shared parent-teen activities steadied confidence while social life caught up: bike rides, coding a project, fishing, a weekend hike, axe-throwing night, a TV series you watch together. One parent noted seasonal landmines—Halloween felt especially rough—so plan an alternative: movie night, haunted house, invite a cousin.
Why it matters: confidence from success in anything (learning guitar riff, finishing a 5K plan, mastering a chess opening) spills over into social courage.
6) Audit the inputs (especially screens)
Several parents flagged social media as a comparison trap. If your kid is spiraling after doom-scrolling, set gentle boundaries and add replacements: club hours, workouts, creative time. Not a punishment—just better inputs.
7) When feelings run deeper, add support
A few parents mentioned therapy for underlying depression or long-standing sensitivity to rejection. If your teen’s sleep, appetite, grades, or joy are sliding—or talk of worthlessness shows up—loop in a professional. The message is not “you’re broken,” it’s “you deserve tools.”
A 3-week starter plan (steal this)
Week 1: Validate & observe
- One intentional, pressure-free check-in (10–15 min).
- Pick one new/old interest to pursue; parent handles sign-up and transport.
- Agree on two micro-skills to practice at school (ex: one opener + one “sit together?” ask).
Week 2: Reps & routine
- Attend the activity twice (or one long session).
- Text or invite one peer to a low-stakes thing (sit at lunch, share a playlist, co-study).
- Family fun anchor on the calendar (movie/park/arcade night).
Week 3: Widen the circle
- Add a second setting (club, shop night, rec league) if the first didn’t click.
- Draft three simple invites your teen can copy-paste.
- Celebrate attempts, not outcomes. Track tries on a sticky note; aim for 5 micro-tries/week.
What to say when “I’m everyone’s second choice” comes up
- “Casual friends are still friends. Most close friendships grow from casual ones over months.”
- “People your age often wait for someone else to make the first move. Your tiny invite might be the relief they need.”
- “If someone says ‘stop bothering me,’ that’s about them. You listened and moved on—that’s healthy.”
What you did right (and can keep doing)
- You listened. He trusted you. That’s gold.
- You suggested hanging out—keep that thread going without making it a replacement for peers.
- You checked back in once. When he shut down, you respected it and left the door open. Perfect.
Keep the door propped open with little rituals: a weekly donut run, a standing Thursday ride to chess night, a show you only watch together. These don’t solve loneliness by themselves, but they keep the connection warm while his world widens.
Bottom line
Friendships at 14 rarely “just happen” for quieter kids—they’re built around activities, repeated contact, and small acts of courage. Your job isn’t to engineer best friends; it’s to validate the hurt, reduce friction to join spaces where his people gather, and celebrate the attempts. Do that for a month, and his odds improve dramatically—even if the first yes takes a few tries.