If you’ve ever found yourself deep in the world of gentle parenting—reading the books, following the scripts, vowing to do it “better” than your parents did—only to end up with a child who seems to push every boundary, you’re not alone. A recent Reddit thread captured this struggle perfectly. The original poster (OP) described years of gentle parenting, only to watch their five-year-old’s behavior spiral into daily meltdowns, defiance, and even aggression. After a breaking point—food thrown at dinner, boundaries ignored, and a parent at their wit’s end—OP shifted to a stricter approach: removing privileges, enforcing hard limits, and showing less tolerance for the “carry on.” To their surprise, their child’s behavior improved. But now, OP is left wondering: Did gentle parenting fail? Or was something else going on? Let’s unpack this, drawing on the wisdom and lived experience of the Reddit parenting community.
Gentle Parenting vs. Permissive Parenting: What’s the Difference?
A recurring theme in the responses: many parents (and plenty of experts) see “gentle parenting” misunderstood as “permissive parenting.” As one commenter put it, “Honestly, it looks like you went too far on the ‘gentle’ and not far enough on the ‘parenting’.” Gentle parenting isn’t about letting kids do whatever they want, nor is it about avoiding consequences. Instead, true gentle parenting is about setting clear, consistent boundaries—but enforcing them with empathy, not fear or shame. As another parent shared, “Structure and rules are not the opposite of gentle parenting. Screaming and hitting are.”
Permissive Parenting: When Kindness Lacks Boundaries
Permissive parenting happens when adults avoid setting or enforcing limits. Kids are given too many choices, too much leeway, and not enough guidance. This can leave children feeling unsettled, unsure of where the boundaries are, and more likely to test limits—sometimes in very big ways. Redditor u/financenomad22 offered this insight: “Kids look to adults for guidance. If adults don’t provide guidance and boundaries with confidence, kids can struggle. They want you to be a benevolent leader, not a peer.”
Boundaries Are Loving—Not Mean
Many parents in the thread described a similar journey: starting out wanting to be gentle, but realizing that children need parents to be “the project manager,” not just a friend. One wise comment summed it up: “Discipline is love.” Setting clear expectations, following through on consequences, and modeling respect is how kids learn to feel safe and thrive. For example, if a child throws food, a gentle but firm response might be: “Throwing food isn’t okay. Let’s clean it up together. Dinner is over for now.” No yelling, but no negotiation, either.
Choices: When They Help, When They Hurt
Giving kids choices is often recommended, but too many choices—or choices that aren’t really choices—can backfire. One parent noted, “If your kid is unwinding, stop asking them questions or giving them choices.” For some children, especially when they’re upset or overwhelmed, what they need most is for the adult to take charge. A helpful tip: offer limited, genuine choices (“Red shirt or blue shirt?”) only when you’re happy with either outcome. Save the big decisions for when your child is calm and developmentally ready.
Screen Time, Sugar, and Overstimulation: The Hidden Factors
A surprising number of Redditors pointed out that changes in behavior often follow changes in screen time, sugar, or overstimulating activities—not just parenting style. Several parents shared that removing or reducing screens led to dramatic improvements in their children’s mood and cooperation. As u/Arcane_Pozhar put it, “Honestly, I suspect you’re going to see great results from eliminating screen time, regardless of which parenting style you go with.”
Authoritative Parenting: The Real “Gentle” Approach
What’s often called “gentle parenting” is, in research terms, authoritative parenting: high warmth, high expectations, clear boundaries, and consistent consequences. It’s not authoritarian (all rules, no warmth) or permissive (all warmth, no rules). It’s the sweet spot in the middle. As one commenter (an early childhood education major) explained: “The irony being that gentle parenting IS authoritative parenting. For some reason it’s being relabeled as gentle parenting lately, especially by people that have no knowledge of child development.”
What Does This Look Like in Practice?
– Set clear, age-appropriate expectations (“When the timer goes off, iPad time is done.”) – Follow through consistently (If the rule is no snacks before dinner, stick to it—even if there’s a meltdown.) – Model emotional regulation (Stay calm, even when your child isn’t.) – Let kids feel their feelings (It’s okay for them to be mad, but not okay to throw things or hurt others.) – Repair after ruptures (If you lose your cool, apologize and reconnect. This models accountability.)
“Am I Damaging My Child?”: The Guilt Trap
Many parents, including OP, worry that being firmer will harm their child. The Reddit community offered reassurance: “What you’re doing now, setting clear and consistent boundaries, *is* gentle parenting. His thinking it’s ‘rude’ doesn’t change that.” Children may protest when limits change, especially if they’re used to getting their way. But holding boundaries with love is not damaging—it’s the foundation for resilience, respect, and emotional security.
Takeaways for Parents Feeling Stuck
1. Gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. Kids need structure and boundaries to feel safe. 2. Consistency is key. Follow through on rules and consequences, even when it’s hard. 3. Empathy and firmness can coexist. You can validate feelings without giving in to every demand. 4. Watch for hidden factors. Screen time, sugar, and overstimulation can drive challenging behaviors. 5. Repair is powerful. If you yell or make a mistake, apologizing and reconnecting teaches more than perfection ever could. 6. It’s okay to adjust your approach. Every child is different, and every parent is learning.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone
Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. If you’re feeling lost between being too soft or too strict, know that you’re in good company. The journey is about finding the balance that works for your family—one that combines warmth, boundaries, and plenty of grace for both you and your child. For more real-world wisdom, check out the original Reddit thread that inspired this post. And remember: boundaries are loving, and parenting is always a work in progress.